3. Communicating

Note that most of the information in this Section is not about Family Law per se, but about dealing constructively with difficult family issues.

3.1 Managing Emotions

It is normal to feel a range of negative emotions: sadness, anger, resentment, guilt etc. Usually, we cannot choose how we feel. But we can choose how we respond to those feelings. If you have ever said something you did not mean when you were upset, you know how emotions can affect your behavior and decisions.

Family law cases are complicated matters. If you are not able to manage your emotions, they may cloud your judgment and you may make bad decisions, possibly detrimental to other family members who are important to you. Many of the emotions associated with family separation are understandable and often fear-based. After all, there are significant changes taking place in all aspects of your life. Even so, you cannot afford to let emotions affect your ability to reach a positive outcome. Your emotions should be reviewed though a child-focused lens if there are children involved – your and your spouse’s / partner’s emotions may have a positive or negative impact on children, differing dependent on age and other circumstances.

Warning: It is normal to feel strong emotions during a separation. But if you start to express those feelings in an aggressive and threatening way you should seek help.

If your former partner communicates in a way that makes you or your children feel unsafe, you need to protect yourself and your children. See Section 15: Family Violence for more information.

5 ways to avoid getting overwhelmed

If you get overwhelmed, you could be prevented from making good decisions and communicating effectively. These strategies will help you avoid emotional roadblocks.

Be prepared

It is hard to respond to changes that you have not thought about. Before you begin to work things out you need to think about what you want and what the other side might want.

It is easy to forget what you want to say if you are in a conflict situation with your ex. As such, if you are going to have a meeting with your former spouse / partner, it is a good idea to write down the few main points you want to get across. That way, even if things get heated, you can check you notes and make sure you have addressed each issue that is important to you.

As you consider how things might go, also think about your emotions. What makes you upset? Write down the toughest, most upsetting questions or topics that might come up. Think about how you could answer in a calm way. Be ready to respond politely and calmly, no matter how aggressively the other party is behaving.

Avoid conflict and stress

Be strategic with your communications. For example, you might create an agenda where, in the first meetings, you will only talk about the key issues with the least conflict. It is probably not worth bringing up the baggage of the past that is going to lead to more conflict now.

If it is difficult for you and your former spouse / partner to speak to each other in a productive, low conflict way, you can agree to discuss things by telephone or email, if that works for you both. Think about what you can do to avoid conflict and stress.

Try to focus on reducing the stresses that you have control over. For example, if being late stresses you out, take steps to be early or on time.

Refocus and stay active

Dwelling on negative emotions is not healthy. Instead, find something else to think about or do, focusing on the positive. Distract your attention and refocus. For example, try out a new hobby or take a class you always wanted to take. Simple things like going for a walk, calling a friend or even diving into a TV show can make a real difference. Clearing your head by focusing on other positive things can help stay centred on what is important. Staying active is a great way to release emotions.

Talk to people you trust

Talk to friends and family who support you and let them know how you feel about what is happening. Express yourself and your feelings and have them help you cope with your feelings by discussing them together, while ensuring that any negative comments about your spouse / partner are not transmitted to your children. Letting your feelings out to trusted sources might help you deal with your emotions if they are triggered later on.

Get help from a professional negotiator

When it comes to negotiating complex issues with your former spouse / partner, having a third person present can help settle deadlock. There are professionals who can facilitate tough discussions. Mediators, collaborative lawyers and family justice counselors have specialized training in conflict resolution. Professionals like these can help lead your discussion and keep the conversation from boiling over.

5 Steps to Managing Your Emotions in the moment

Be aware and label your emotions

Do you feel yourself getting upset? Are your cheeks getting flushed and red? Recognize the signs that you are losing control and why it is happening to you. Label your emotions – whether you are mad or frustrated or happy. Being aware of how events are making you feel and putting a label on your feelings is the first step to dealing with them properly.

Stop what you are doing

When you feel emotions starting to build up, pause. Take a moment to just breathe. Take a moment for yourself now, so that your emotions do not escalate. If you are in a meeting, step away. If people are waiting for you to speak, ask for a moment to collect your thoughts. Give yourself the space and time to recover. You need a moment to think before you react thoughtfully.

Refocus on the task at hand

So far you have recognized and labelled your emotions. You know how you feel, and now you need to think about where you are in the process and remember your goals. Take a few deep breaths. Refocus on what it is that you need to accomplish at this particular point.

Choose how to react

Use your discretion. Is the other party trying to provoke you? Maybe you should ignore it? Is the other party asking a tough question that is upsetting you? Answer it diplomatically instead of increasing tensions. It only takes one person to de-escalate a conflict. Choose to be that person. React in a mature and reasonable manner. It may help the other side follow suit. No matter their reaction, you may feel empowered knowing that you kept your calm.

Identify your triggers

Triggers are what set you off. It can be a certain topic, word or behaviour that someone brings up or does to which you have a strong emotional reaction. For instance, just the mention of an event from your past such as a failed vacation can bring up feelings of anger. By identifying your triggers before they occur and developing strategic reactions, you can prevent them from pushing you into emotional turmoil. Also consider things that may trigger negative emotions in the other side and avoid them, if you can.

Take a moment to complete the Managing Emotions Worksheet. This worksheet can help you deal with your emotions when you feel like they are getting away from you.

3.2 Managing Emotions Worksheet

Download the Worksheet

Answer the following questions. Circle a number from 1 to 5 – where 1 is Strongly Disagree and 5 is Strongly Agree

Strongly Disagree Strongly Agree

I cannot stand to be in the same room as my former spouse / partner. I am so upset.	1 2 3 4 5
When I think about my separation, I often feel like crying / yelling.	1 2 3 4 5
I am having trouble thinking clearly.	1 2 3 4 5
I am/feel consumed by the separation.	1 2 3 4 5
I feel physically unwell.	1 2 3 4 5

If you scored high and you agree strongly with many of the statements above, use the next section to brainstorm methods to overcome emotional turmoil.

Acknowledge your feelings

Since the relationship ended, I feel…

____________________________________________________________________________

When I think about my separation, I feel…

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Your support network

When I feel bad, I can talk with supporters such as...

____________________________________________________________________________

Get active

I can be physically healthy by…

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Refocus

To help me stay focused and on point, I will…

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Emotional Assessment

Recall a situation where you did not manage your emotions well. Analyze how you felt and reacted. Identify ways you could change your reaction so that next time, you can stay calm and focused.

The situation	How I felt	How I reacted	Ways to improve

3.3 Communicating Constructively

Communicating with the other side is not easy especially if it is a former spouse / partner. Your relationship has changed; you are not going to be talking to each other the way you used to when you were a couple. These changes have probably been emotional. But you cannot let behaviour and emotions control how you communicate. The better you communicate the easier, cheaper and quicker settling your family case will be. You may face varying levels of conflict so make sure to go through the following techniques for good communication.

Active listening

To communicate effectively you have to be an active listener. Active listening is more than just hearing what is said.

Guidelines to active listening:

Reflect feelings: Pay attention to the feelings of the speaker and let them know you have heard and recognized them. For example, “I get that you are really angry about...”.
Reflect content: Let the speaker know you have heard what they are saying by reflecting back their words. For example, “If I understand, you see the new middle school as a place where the children could get a good education and you think the extra 20 minute commute is worth it because of the educational opportunities it could provide.”
Use open questions: Ask the speaker open-ended questions beginning with: tell me, describe, what, or how.
Use summarization: Summarize the feelings and content you have heard. For example, “In other words you are saying…”

Body language

Sometimes you give off messages without saying a word. Your body language, such as crossed arms or rolling of the eyes, can send the speaker the message that you are not interested. Pay attention to your body and do not let your body language undercut your efforts to communicate positively.

Negative body language to avoid

Body language	Details	The message it sends
Fidgeting	Moving around, tapping your legs, playing with jewelry	Nervous, annoyed, bored
Eye Contact	Looking away, avoiding eye contact, rolling your eyes	Annoyed, uncertain, insecure, frightened
Sounds	Making sounds of exasperation, sighing	Not listening, frustrated, disregarding what other is saying
Posture	Slouching	Closed off, not interested
Arms and hands	Crossing arms, arms on your hips, clenched fists, pointing	Upset, closed off, annoyed

When you are communicating, do a self-check to make sure you are not derailing your conversation by giving off negative body language. For your self-check, just remember your SELF:

Spine: Your spine is straight and you are not slouching.

Eyes: You are maintaining eye contact, not rolling your eyes.

Legs: Not fidgeting or tapping your feet.

Fingers: Neutral hands, not crossing arms or clenching fists or pointing.

Stay Issue Focused

Set out what you are going to discuss and stay on topic. For example, if you and your former spouse / partner are talking about paying for your child’s soccer team fees, do not get into dialogue about how he or she does not go to watch enough games. The goal of the conversation is to sort out how the team fees are to be paid.

If you allow the conversation to get off course, your goal will not be met. If the other person is getting off course, refocus them by acknowledging you have heard what they are saying but that you want to work this issue out, before moving on to other issues.

Try practicing these refocusing phrases:

“I hear what you are saying about ________. Could we talk about that after we have discussed _________?”
“I am sorry. I am getting us off topic. Let us get back to talking about _________.”
“We agreed to talk about ______. Let us leave the conversation about _________ for later. OK?”
“I know it is complicated, but we really need to find a solution about ______.”

Communication channels

When stress levels are high and emotions are sensitive, meeting face to face may make it more difficult to reach agreement. Thankfully, there is no shortage of communication alternatives these days. You can choose to communicate a different way, privately, like by telephone, through e-mail, or by texting. However, be careful about privacy regarding your family dispute is using social media.

Choose the right communication channel that works for both of you. Some conversations might be best face to face, while others are better through a phone call, email or text message.

Tips for using email communications

You and your former spouse / partner might use e-mail to discuss issues. It can be a convenient and practical way to exchange information, but it can also lead to escalating tensions or misunderstandings, if you are not careful.

Here are a few tips to keep in mind.

Keep your e-mails short and to the point. If you have more than one issue to discuss, try numbering each issue to make it easier for the other person to follow your points.
Use subject-lines. This can help both of you keep track of e-mails on different issues.
Do not type in CAPS; this means that you are shouting.
Be courteous in your e-mails, please, thank you and a friendly tone (not trigger points) can go a long way and engender a more positive response.

Understand email communication’s limitation. Remember you lack visual and vocal cues you would normally have if you were communicating over the phone or in person. If the other party sends you an email that angers you, give the other party the benefit of the doubt and ask for clarification.

If you are feeling emotional when you need to write an e-mail, walk away and take some time to reflect. Do not finalize your e-mail until you have a clear mind. A good trick is to sleep on it before pressing send.

Try to stick to the facts. Avoid criticizing.

Do not ignore e-mails. Respond promptly and briefly when a response is required. Even if they are simply providing you with some information and a response is not strictly required, it is good etiquette to at least acknowledge the e-mail.

Remember: E-mails are a record of your communications. Write your e-mails as if a third person were reading it. Review email messages before you send them.

Communication Pitfalls

Communication pitfalls are ways of talking which do not advance the conversation and in fact, make things worse. Try to avoid these pitfalls.

Pitfall	Example
Blaming	“It is all your fault. We are here because of you.”
Discounting	“That is ridiculous. It makes no sense.”
Judging	“You are being very selfish.”
Psychologizing	“You do not really want the kids. You just want to get even with me.”
Ultimatums / threats	“Either you do it this way or I walk.”
Cutting off	“Tell your lawyer to call my lawyer”
Labeling	“You are such a jerk”

Communication Dos and Don’ts

The Dos

The Don’ts

Understand yourself and your own emotional state.
Communicate only when you can talk calmly without getting upset.
Be prepared to walk away if you are getting angry, instead of staying and engaging.
Keep communications brief and focused on the issues. By being clear and specific about the problem at hand. For example, “Let us stop talking about two years ago and concentrate on how to help Jane get her homework done.”
Be courteous and respectful of the other person.
Recognizing your own and the other side’s emotions about the situation.
Be prepared to offer an olive branch, such as saying sorry where appropriate. It may lead to a similar response.

Do not let off topic issues get into the discussion. Discuss them later when appropriate.
Do not blame your own feelings on the other person.
Never communicate with the other parent through your child. This puts a burden on the child as the messenger which can be harmful to the child, and may also lead to misunderstandings.
Do not let the past inform the discussion and do not blame yourself or the other parent about the past.
Do not expect appreciation or praise. Manage your expectations of how the other person should behave.
Do not interrupt. Give your full attention and do not be doing distracting things when they are speaking in person. Save your points for when it is your turn.

3.4 Communicating in Conflict

The 4 musts for communications in conflict

When people are in conflict, communicating can become more difficult. People are often quicker to anger, unfocused, and less willing to listen. These 4 strategies for conflict communications can help.

Neutralizing issues

If you go in using charged language, you are already setting yourself up for a fight. The way you frame the issues should be in neutral language. Stay away from blaming the other person. A good trick is to frame the issue without using the word “you”.

Avoid: I want to talk about how you are always late for pickups.

Instead: I want to talk about pickup times.

Avoid: Let us talk about how you want more money.

Instead: Let us talk about our financial needs and abilities.

Rephrasing language

Sometimes the way you express yourself causes the listener to react emotionally. This can lead to a communication breakdown. By learning to rephrase your language you can develop a more productive way of communicating.

Make requests, instead of making statements, which can be misinterpreted as demands.

Avoid: “You should pick the kids up at school and drive them to piano lessons.”

Instead: "Would you be willing to pick the kids up..?" or

“Can we try having you pick them up..?”

Keep conversations focused on the issues. Do not let a discussion with your ex-partner become about past, irrelevant events.

Avoid: “You did not even want to buy the car. You never used it. I should get to keep it.”

Instead: “We need to figure out a way to deal with the car. I would like to keep it because I need to drive the kids to school. What do you think we should do with the car?”

Use “I” statements. An “I” statement says how you feel and describes the condition that makes you feel that way and why it causes emotion.

Avoid: “You never listen to me.”

Instead: “I feel isolated when you do not acknowledge what I am saying.”

Business-like

Many people find that thinking of their co-parenting relationship as a business relationship helps to keep communication positive. Many parents find that they have a common goal of raising their children to be happy, healthy, and functional adults. Focusing on this positive goal helps keep communications business-like.

If children are not involved, try to agree on mutual goals to ensure that you will have a focal point for your communications.

How to keep it business-like:

Clear expectations: In a business relationship, your expectations of the other person are limited to the terms that are clearly written in an agreement. Similarly, you should not have any expectations of your former spouse / partner outside of what you have agreed to.
Professionalism: Businesspeople interact in structured situations such as meetings. They have agendas to guide the conversation. Always be polite during communications. Arrange meetings, have an agenda and be punctual.
Little personal involvement: Businesspeople are generally not involved in the personal lives of their colleagues. As you create a new business-like relationship, keep a boundary between this relationship and your personal life. You both need to move on and live your lives separately.
Problem solving: When businesspeople are met with a challenge, they work together to solve the problem. They do not play the blame game or criticize the actions of others. Instead, they apply their energies to create a positive outcome.

Be prepared

Before you have a difficult conversation, think about what you want to say, and how you are going to say it. Make an outline of the key points and provide an explanation about why each one is important. It is a good idea to consider your listener and how they might react. Think about the key conflicts points carefully and be ready with reasons that explain your position.

Keep the children out of the conflict:

Your children are likely going through a tough time with the separation. Involving them in your disputes only makes it more difficult for them. To keep your children out of the conflict, avoid:

Passing messages to your former spouse / partner through your children.
Arguing in front of them or where they can hear you.
Insulting the other parent in front of them.
Asking them to spy on the other parent or keep secrets from the other parent.
Asking them to take your side.
Denying time with the child to the other parent as a way to punish them.

Children may blame themselves for your arguing and separation. They probably still love both their parents and it is easy for them to feel caught in the middle. It is your job as the adult to assure them they are loved and minimize conflict where possible. To do so:

Take a step back and consider whether you are putting your children in the middle of your dispute.
Consider your children’s perspective.
Listen to your children when they tell you they do not want to be involved.

For more information, see the Section 17 Resources section.

3.5 Reacting to High Conflict Communications

When conflict is too high it becomes hard to have productive conversations. Try these techniques.

Know you cannot change them

Things become easier when you realize that you have no control over the thoughts, behaviour and actions of the other person. The best approach is to focus on your own words and actions. Make sure that your own words and actions help the conversation move forward.

Notice and accept automatic reactions

When faced with anger, insults, manipulation, or lies, natural reactions include lashing back, feeling like a victim, losing hope and wanting to give up. It is important to notice and accept these automatic reactions as they happen. These are the times to take a pause or a deep breath. Refocus the conversation instead of reacting to negativity. Use “I” statements to connect your feelings and the other person’s actions.

Do not mirror

Do not respond in similar fashion to angry or hurtful comments that are aimed at you. Filter those out and focus on what is relevant to the topic you are discussing. Stay calm and use a calm tone. Anger can be disarmed when met with patience and calmness.

Strategies for High Conflict Communications

Strategy	Examples of what to say
Summarize their main point in neutral words	“What I hear you saying is that you do not want our child to take piano lessons because you feel they are not useful.”
Acknowledge their feelings	“I understand that you are feeling hurt…”
Focus them back on the topic that you are discussing	“I understand that you have a lot to say about my lawyer. Right now, I would like us to focus on discussing the piano lessons.”
Ask for a chance to explain what is important to you	“I would like a chance to talk about why I think the piano lessons are important. Could you please give me just 2 minutes?”
Ask them for a solution	“How do you think we can work this out?”
Acknowledge their suggestion and
Agree with it	OK. That is a good idea. I will pay for the piano lessons.”
Modify their suggestion	“You are suggesting I pay for the piano lessons. I agree that I should pay a bigger portion. How about if I pay 75%?”
Put forward your own solution	“You are suggesting I pay for the piano lessons. But financially, that would be hard for me right now. Could we try splitting it 50-50 for three months? Hopefully my finances will improve by then. What do you think?”

Regardless of your communication method, it is important to thoughtfully approach conversations. Good communication skills lead to better negotiations. Take a moment to fill in the Communication Worksheet.

3.6 Communication Worksheet

Download the Worksheet

Communicating is a skill. Think about ways that you can be a better communicator. Complete the worksheet with specific information that is relevant to you. Refer back to this sheet before going into a difficult conversation so that you will be able to stay calm and focused.

I will be an active listener by…

____________________________________________________________________________

I will consider my body language by…

____________________________________________________________________________

I will stay issue focused by…

____________________________________________________________________________

I will use other communication channels when…

____________________________________________________________________________

My neutrally stated issues are…

____________________________________________________________________________

I will rephrase my language by…

____________________________________________________________________________

I will be business-like by…

____________________________________________________________________________

I will prepare for conversations by…

____________________________________________________________________________

I will avoid high conflict by …

____________________________________________________________________________

I will use these strategies to deflect conflict…

____________________________________________________________________________

Emotional Assessment

Active listening

Body language

Communication channels

Communication Pitfalls

Communication Dos and Don’ts

The 4 musts for communications in conflict

Keep the children out of the conflict:

Strategies for High Conflict Communications

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